Mandy's story: "I have chosen sobriety for my body, my brain and me."

I started drinking when I was 14. The first time I abused alcohol was at the age of 22. I had had some traumatic experiences as a teenager that I hadn't dealt with and when I ended the secure two-year relationship I was in everything that had happened in the past overwhelmed me. I would go to the shop and buy a bottle of red and drink it in one go. This was the first moment when I realised that alcohol could be a powerful tool to numb my pain. A year later I met a man and we fell in love.

In January 2005 we did Dry January® (before it was 'Dry January®') and it was fantastic, so fantastic that we decided to carry on and not drink for a year, and I have such fond memories of that time. We got pregnant, and decided to change our lives and move to Europe.

I had my second child in 2008 and I started to get depressed. I was alone a lot of the time, I was a stay at home mum, I was sleep deprived and, having not dealt with a lot of my history, consumed with overwhelming fear.

I hadn't stopped partying either. I was only in my late 20s and that lifestyle was all I knew. I went back to work and was very successful but I drank every day. I had blackouts, I had accidents. I made a fool out of myself; I had lost my sense of self.

I knew I didn't want to be that party girl anymore, but I didn't know how to change. I wanted to be an adult, but I was terrified of the responsibility. All I wanted to do was be a good parent, but I felt I was doing everything wrong. I felt guilty, ashamed, anxious and depressed all of the time. So I used drink to punish myself.

In September 2013 I had a massive panic attack. I went to the doctor and was told I was clinically in burnout and put on antidepressants. But I didn't stop drinking. By Christmas 2013 I knew my behaviour was out of control but I couldn't stop it, I didn't feel worthy of being well. On 27 December 2013 in the middle of the night as I had constant insomnia I searched, "Do I have a problem with alcohol?" and stumbled across Soberistas. I watched Lucy Rocca's interview on This Morning and I knew - this is me. I am a habitual/problem drinker.

So I tried to stop. At the beginning it was extremely hard, I had lots of slip-ups. I went to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and I wrote a lot. In February 2014 I stopped and didn't drink for a year. Again it was fantastic; I went through a rebirth of strength, positivity and possibility. I lost weight, I quit my job. I was so positive that after a year I deemed myself fixed and convinced myself that I could drink moderately.

Between 2015-2017 I drank on and off. I knew that I was better without booze, but I wanted to be "normal". I would drink until I could not drink anymore, then I would have three months off and start again. I wanted to be a chic drinker with a fine wine, but it didn't work: I have no off switch and controlling my drinking was exhausting.

This summer I sat on holiday, again exhausted by a summer of drinking. I went on Soberistas and saw the download for Annie Grace's Naked Mind, and reading it made me realise that I was truly done, that being sober is something worthy and strong and inspiring. I also read Bryony Gordon's Mad Girl which gave me the reassurance that my struggles with mental health were nothing to be ashamed of.

I realised that if I shared my story, it could help, so I engaged with the sober community on Instagram and Facebook and listened to podcasts and started going to Club Soda events, and realised that there is a really wonderful community of sober people. I don't feel my sobriety has been forced upon me: I have chosen sobriety for my body, my brain and me.